I get it now. At 36. This phase of life, this is the hardest. This is the phase where I barely recognize myself. Where I struggle with all the demands of everyday life. When taking a bath, eating my food while it’s warm and sipping my coffee while it’s hot is considered a luxury… and is a luxury I don’t have, most of the time.
I have become that kind of mom, who forgets to brush her teeth or her hair. When putting on a lippie is the closest I can get to being glamorous and sadly deciding that kilay is NOT life (lol!) because, hell, I just don’t have that kind of time.
The kind of mom who buys 30 different outfits for her children but forgets that she’s still wearing the same old clothes from four years ago. Yeah, that’s me.
The kind of mom who pretends that she’s got her shit together when in reality, she’s dealing with all the emotional, mental and physical exhaustion of being a wife and a WAHM. The sadness, the feeling of emptiness, the lack of sleep, the guilt, the constant question of am I doing enough? It’s hard, really hard, you guys.
So at 36, I have lowered my expectations. Of things. Of people and what they can give me and to try not to judge them for it. Of time, nobody seems to have much of that. Of the non-existent expression of feelings, I understand we all have fears.
And tho I can afford many of the basic things I need, I also know that there are things money can’t buy. I learned that happiness is a state of mind and that I need to focus more on the micro things that makes me happy and let go of the things that are causing me anxieties.
And people, there are toxic people and there are nice people. People who likes me and who don’t like me and that’s okay. I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea so I will no longer care about what people think and instead understand that their actions towards me are projections of themselves. So they really need to work on themselves not me. Lol!
And I trust, yeah really trust that if I wish for something hard enough, the universe will conspire to make it all happen when the time is right.
So much for a birthday musing, napagod ako Basta pag yumaman na ako sa Bitcoin papa burger ako sa inyong lahat, orayyytt???!
PS. Here are my birthday wishes:
Be able to drink my coffee in the morning while it’s hot
To shower in peace
To pee in peace
To eat anything and DON’T HAVE TO share haha!
A self-cleaning house.
A laundry that folds itself.
A cook, one who can whip up delicious, healthy meals with limited resources or at short notice.
A personal shopper / driver / errand runner at my beck and call
Yes, at this stage in my life – these are the things that would please me. I’m a mom, get it?